Simon Laurens Mollie the Orangutan Realistic Toddler Doll by Ashton Drake

Let's be honest kids these days are pretty soft. You're not helping by purchasing cuddly little stuffed animals that say "I love you" when you squeeze them. If you want to prepare them for the harsh realities of toddler life, I strongly recommend the Simon Laurens Mollie the Orangutan Realistic Toddler Doll by Ashton Drake. Kids grow up real quick when they share their bedroom with a doll that is hell bent on murdering them in their sleep and transporting their blood to the depths of hell to be cast in molds to build an army of murderous monkey-child-doll brothers and sisters.

Pros:

Studies have shown that owners of the Simon Laurens Mollie the Orangutan Realistic Toddler Doll by Ashton Drake often develop advanced skills in shape recognition and spatial relationships as they barricade themselves behind complex walls of blankets, toys, and bedroom furniture in their efforts (however futile they may be) to distance themselves from this vile beast.

Cons:

Kids that do not deliver Mollie's required nightly ritual sacrifice don't usually make it. Parents need to take responsibility here and assure that plenty of kitten blood is always on hand (and puppy blood will do in a pinch, but don't push it this is your child's life we're talking about here).